My writing might be a little sporadic and go back and forth between emotions that I can’t even peg yet. I’m feeling a lot these days and it’s mostly indescribable. So just to preface this, in my heart of hearts, where the truest “Me” is, I know that God is Good and faithful, in ways even I cannot imagine. I know that God is GOD. I would not have lived my life the way I have until now if I didn’t believe this. And in my tragedy, I know that God will only prove faithful. Even when I don’t know what that looks like, I do trust Him. Right now, I can’t imagine anything that would “redeem” my loss and heartache. So that’s why I’m writing, to remember these times. I actually DO want to remember every thought and feeling, right and wrong, good and bad. Because Joy will come, and I will personally know a part of Jesus that I didn’t know before. And I’m looking forward to that.
The last few days, I keep playing “that moment” over and over in my head. The moment that my water broke, when I KNEW that my baby girl was not going to make it. Up until then I had every hope, every bit of faith, and I knew we were going to make it. I just knew that God was with us and that he was going to intervene, because that’s what he does, right? But he didn’t, and I’m crushed. I’m devastated and feel completely empty. Every day my stomach hurts, physically hurts, because my heart hurts so bad. Again, that’s why I write. I thank Jesus that someday my stomach won’t hurt anymore, even when “that moment” exists so real in my head.
I’ve always had a simple, easy faith. I’ve been a lot of places and seen a lot of things, ALL of which undeniably point to the reality and truth of God. I believe in God and I know he is good, and it’s kind of like this Father – daughter relationship that has always been easy. Until now. Even though our relationship is obviously there right now, there’s a whole lot that I don’t understand.
So for now, I miss my baby girl, and my beautiful 3 year old, Emma, reminds me”it’s okay, Mom, Olivia is with Jesus, and they’re playing”. Thank you Jesus for my babies, all three of them, each one of them have shown me a part of you that I didn’t know before they came along.
Oh Katie, I have been praying for you and your family and every time I read your words I cry. I can't imagine what you are going through. Well I can a little bit because I have had 3 miscarriages, and I do have kids, but I can't imagine delivering and then losing a child. I do know though that you will get through it and heal eventually and in the meantime I will keep praying for you! Lots of hugs!!
ReplyDeleteAmy
Dearest Katie, I am sending hugs and weeping with you. Know that you are supported and loved so much. Plus, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18. And even though your heart is utterly broken, I am so glad you have chosen to record your thoughts here. May it be a healing journey for you. "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. Selah." Ps. 62:8 I am believing for God to wrap you and Bruce in his love, his deep peace and healing over and above all that you could ever ask or think...according to the "bigness of His nature."
ReplyDeleteLove from Cas
Katie,
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is courageous and I continue to pray for you and your family.
Sending much love your way.
Erin Truta