Harsh Reality

Life with God here on earth is not what I've thought it is. God is good and "I praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." (Ps 139:14). But recently I've found myself questioning some of the basic principles of my christian walk. Is prayer truly effective? Can faith really move mountains? What is real "trust in the Lord"? I'm not questioning these things in disbelief, but with a longing to know the truth of the principles in a way that changes my life.

This life is not about right now. It's not the easy, rosy "what am I going to wear to the movies?" or "Lord, help me lose these last five pounds!" life that I apparently have been living. I mean, sure, who wouldn't "trust" or "believe" in (a) God if it meant that life would go exactly as you planned or pleaded for? Who wouldn't believe in God if it was as simple as "Lord, please heal. Please help. Please give. Please protect. Please provide for ME...". The easy faith lives for itself, it believes for itself.

I'm now asking myself what the point is, in believing in God, when my biggest prayer went unanswered. I've finally realized that (what?), "it's not about me"! It's about Jesus. And in that light, I've lost nothing but some earthly years on earth with my daughter.

Sure, I can now pinpoint to the minute, the worst moment in my life. But when I look back on that moment, He was there! Just as he promised. Certain moments in our life define us, mostly the good, bad, profound and desperate. I knew this moment would be life defining for me. It's played over in my mind a million times. I've asked every question. I've felt every emotion. I've questioned my beliefs, because the easy christian faith wasn't cutting it for me, I'm tearing them apart, up and down. So far, these things I know as truth. Truth that even in my darkest hour, I am still able to base my life upon.

God is good. I was made in His image, for Him and by Him. I was made to praise Him, and I experience my utmost Joy when I'm doing so. I praise God because he is good, not so that He'll do something for me. This life is about Him. Life here is hard, but God is faithful. That doesn't mean that I won't experience heartache or suffering, it means that when I trust in Him (rely on His character) He will carry me through. He will never leave me alone in my suffering.

Looking back, I see the many ways the Lord was so evidently with me when I lost Olivia. God is GOOD. He placed his people around me to carry me through.

So my harsh reality today is that my life is not about me. And I thank God that he is a good god! He loves me enough to let me sort all of this out with Him. The end goal is eternity with Him. And the really cool thing is that Olivia is part of my eternity!!

Thank you, Jesus, for eternity! YOU are so good!