The loss of my sweet baby girl has left me questioning so many things. Of course, all of the “what ifs”, the why’s and what about next time? But today I found myself in a bigger question. How in the world will I trust God again?
Today I told a friend that I would pray for her. The words came out of my mouth so naturally, but immediately I felt complete emptiness in my words. If this would have been before July 19th at 9:35pm, I would have believed with everything in me that my prayer would have been effective; the Lord would hear and answer. But the night we lost Olivia, this easy and simple trust that I have based my life on was completely trampled.
Bruce and I used to have this great little testimony that every single thing that we prayed together for, every time we have agreed with each other and asked the Lord for something ….he answered very clearly in one way or another. So, that night when we prayed that my body would stop contracting, we really had no reason to even imagine that it wouldn’t. I know that God CAN do anything. How could God not answer in my most desperate moment? Wow. That question hurts.
After a long day of turmoil and wanting to crawl out of my skin, I asked Bruce to pray for me. I asked him to pray that the Lord would help me to not be angry and bitter, because on my own that’s what I am right now. So Bruce prayed for me, and he left me to be alone for awhile. At the end of the evening he came back and reminded me of something. He reminded me that every time I start getting angry with the Lord, Satan wins again. He’s right. The destroyer will not win.
I need to be okay in my heart with never knowing the answer to my questions. I’m not there yet, but I will be. I trust that the Lord is good, and though I never thought I’d walk a road this hard, it brings a whole new depth to my relationship with the Lord. It means so much more.
My life will never be the same. I’m going deeper than ever before and I’m committed to a fight; a fight that will take the rest of my life. Every minute of every day, I have to choose to trust despite my questions. And I have to say that every day I sit with the Lord and he gives me something to hang on to, a PROMISE to get through the day. Already, the Lord is faithful.
Psalms 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Sweet Olivia, thank you for being one of my girls. I loved loving you for every second you were here with me. Every bit of the heartache I feel is worth those moments I held you.
Katie, I know that question has to be hard, and there is not an answer right now. You are strong in your faith,inspirational to so many and I know that God will continue to transform your life. I did pray a special prayer for you, and your family today. I love you and please, keep writing to Olivia, and telling her story.
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