Sisters

Last night I was awake in bed for quite some time. I was awake, admiring the beauty of my 3 year old. Somehow she convinced us that there was a dinosaur in her room, so she needed to sleep with us. I cave much easier these days, but I must admit that I absolutely love the moments that Emma is curled up next to me in bed. Last night I stared at Emma and could not help but see her little sister Olivia in her. It’s so funny, Olivia’s picture and Emma’s newborn picture look very different, but Olivia looks like a miniature of what Emma looks like right now. Their facial features are exactly the same.

I couldn’t help but picture Emma holding her sweet sister; I can vividly see the look on Emma’s face. She has this smile that is impossible for her to hide, that she smiles when she is doing something she absolutely LOVES. She’d be smiling that smile; my heart has butterflies when I just picture it.

I let my mind wander into the future (which I rarely do). I wondered what they would have been like as sisters when they were teenagers. I wondered what Olivia would have been passionate about. I wondered who she would have married. I pictured Emma and Olivia as sisters with their own babies.

I also noted the fact that Olivia in our family is “Me” in my family growing up. I am the second girl, the third child. Wow, our family would not be complete without me :) And, Wow, our family is not complete without Olivia. She will always be missed. Always.

As much as I feel the stab in my heart that physically takes my breath away when I think about these things, I love that I have two daughters. Sisters. I love my girls, Emelia and Olivia. My heart explodes with love for them. I love to picture the day that Emelia sees her sister, Olivia, in heaven, smiling that “smile”.

I love my girls!

(thought I'd share the "smile" I was speaking of)

Harsh Reality

Life with God here on earth is not what I've thought it is. God is good and "I praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." (Ps 139:14). But recently I've found myself questioning some of the basic principles of my christian walk. Is prayer truly effective? Can faith really move mountains? What is real "trust in the Lord"? I'm not questioning these things in disbelief, but with a longing to know the truth of the principles in a way that changes my life.

This life is not about right now. It's not the easy, rosy "what am I going to wear to the movies?" or "Lord, help me lose these last five pounds!" life that I apparently have been living. I mean, sure, who wouldn't "trust" or "believe" in (a) God if it meant that life would go exactly as you planned or pleaded for? Who wouldn't believe in God if it was as simple as "Lord, please heal. Please help. Please give. Please protect. Please provide for ME...". The easy faith lives for itself, it believes for itself.

I'm now asking myself what the point is, in believing in God, when my biggest prayer went unanswered. I've finally realized that (what?), "it's not about me"! It's about Jesus. And in that light, I've lost nothing but some earthly years on earth with my daughter.

Sure, I can now pinpoint to the minute, the worst moment in my life. But when I look back on that moment, He was there! Just as he promised. Certain moments in our life define us, mostly the good, bad, profound and desperate. I knew this moment would be life defining for me. It's played over in my mind a million times. I've asked every question. I've felt every emotion. I've questioned my beliefs, because the easy christian faith wasn't cutting it for me, I'm tearing them apart, up and down. So far, these things I know as truth. Truth that even in my darkest hour, I am still able to base my life upon.

God is good. I was made in His image, for Him and by Him. I was made to praise Him, and I experience my utmost Joy when I'm doing so. I praise God because he is good, not so that He'll do something for me. This life is about Him. Life here is hard, but God is faithful. That doesn't mean that I won't experience heartache or suffering, it means that when I trust in Him (rely on His character) He will carry me through. He will never leave me alone in my suffering.

Looking back, I see the many ways the Lord was so evidently with me when I lost Olivia. God is GOOD. He placed his people around me to carry me through.

So my harsh reality today is that my life is not about me. And I thank God that he is a good god! He loves me enough to let me sort all of this out with Him. The end goal is eternity with Him. And the really cool thing is that Olivia is part of my eternity!!

Thank you, Jesus, for eternity! YOU are so good!

Questions

The loss of my sweet baby girl has left me questioning so many things. Of course, all of the “what ifs”, the why’s and what about next time? But today I found myself in a bigger question. How in the world will I trust God again?

Today I told a friend that I would pray for her. The words came out of my mouth so naturally, but immediately I felt complete emptiness in my words. If this would have been before July 19^th at 9:35pm, I would have believed with everything in me that my prayer would have been effective; the Lord would hear and answer. But the night we lost Olivia, this easy and simple trust that I have based my life on was completely trampled.

Bruce and I used to have this great little testimony that every single thing that we prayed together for, every time we have agreed with each other and asked the Lord for something ….he answered very clearly in one way or another. So, that night when we prayed that my body would stop contracting, we really had no reason to even imagine that it wouldn’t. I know that God CAN do anything. How could God not answer in my most desperate moment? Wow. That question hurts.

After a long day of turmoil and wanting to crawl out of my skin, I asked Bruce to pray for me. I asked him to pray that the Lord would help me to not be angry and bitter, because on my own that’s what I am right now. So Bruce prayed for me, and he left me to be alone for awhile. At the end of the evening he came back and reminded me of something. He reminded me that every time I start getting angry with the Lord, Satan wins again. He’s right. The destroyer will not win.

I need to be okay in my heart with never knowing the answer to my questions. I’m not there yet, but I will be. I trust that the Lord is good, and though I never thought I’d walk a road this hard, it brings a whole new depth to my relationship with the Lord. It means so much more.

My life will never be the same. I’m going deeper than ever before and I’m committed to a fight; a fight that will take the rest of my life. Every minute of every day, I have to choose to trust despite my questions. And I have to say that every day I sit with the Lord and he gives me something to hang on to, a PROMISE to get through the day. Already, the Lord is faithful.

Psalms 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Sweet Olivia, thank you for being one of my girls. I loved loving you for every second you were here with me. Every bit of the heartache I feel is worth those moments I held you.

Dear Olivia,
My precious little one, I will spend my earthly lifetime wondering so many things about you. Not a day or even an hour goes by that I don’t think about you. Each day it’s a little more real and a little sadder that you’re not in my tummy. Each day is closer to the day that should have been the first of your lifetime. When I was pregnant with you, I noted daily how big you were and what new things were functioning in your new little body. I already had so many plans for you. It’s so hard for me to grasp that this life was stolen from you. I’m so sad but I rejoice in our eternity.
Your sister Emma talks about you all the time. You are still her “sister baby”. She told us from the beginning that you were a girl. I dreamt of the day I would see her hold you in her arms. Ugh. Wow. She knows where you are though, as much as a 3 year old is capable, she knows you are with Jesus and she frequently asks me what I think you are doing with Him.
Your brother, Wesley, is a little too young to understand that he’s missing a sister here. As he gets older though, and he learns about you and your story, just like he’s going to “protect“ his sister Emma, I think he’s going to fight for you and your cause. He has such a big heart; he would love to have taken care of you here.
You are so loved little one, I wanted you to tell you that again today.
Love,
Mommy

That Moment

My writing might be a little sporadic and go back and forth between emotions that I can’t even peg yet. I’m feeling a lot these days and it’s mostly indescribable. So just to preface this, in my heart of hearts, where the truest “Me” is, I know that God is Good and faithful, in ways even I cannot imagine. I know that God is GOD. I would not have lived my life the way I have until now if I didn’t believe this. And in my tragedy, I know that God will only prove faithful. Even when I don’t know what that looks like, I do trust Him. Right now, I can’t imagine anything that would “redeem” my loss and heartache. So that’s why I’m writing, to remember these times. I actually DO want to remember every thought and feeling, right and wrong, good and bad. Because Joy will come, and I will personally know a part of Jesus that I didn’t know before. And I’m looking forward to that.

The last few days, I keep playing “that moment” over and over in my head. The moment that my water broke, when I KNEW that my baby girl was not going to make it. Up until then I had every hope, every bit of faith, and I knew we were going to make it. I just knew that God was with us and that he was going to intervene, because that’s what he does, right? But he didn’t, and I’m crushed. I’m devastated and feel completely empty. Every day my stomach hurts, physically hurts, because my heart hurts so bad. Again, that’s why I write. I thank Jesus that someday my stomach won’t hurt anymore, even when “that moment” exists so real in my head.

I’ve always had a simple, easy faith. I’ve been a lot of places and seen a lot of things, ALL of which undeniably point to the reality and truth of God. I believe in God and I know he is good, and it’s kind of like this Father – daughter relationship that has always been easy. Until now. Even though our relationship is obviously there right now, there’s a whole lot that I don’t understand.

So for now, I miss my baby girl, and my beautiful 3 year old, Emma, reminds me”it’s okay, Mom, Olivia is with Jesus, and they’re playing”. Thank you Jesus for my babies, all three of them, each one of them have shown me a part of you that I didn’t know before they came along.