Grateful...

I haven’t written in awhile because it didn't seem like there was much to write about. But recently I realized that things or “life” couldn't really be better than it is right now. Life has been so GOOD lately. And it’s been a long time since I could say that. I am, in the depths of my heart, grateful beyond words for so many things:

My husband. Bruce has been such an amazing source of strength for me this past year. He never once made me feel like my emotions were too much for him to handle. I just appreciate and love the way he loves me in every way.

My kids. They make my heart so full and happy. I love that the Lord specifically chose Emelia and Wesley to be our kids. Every stage and each new thing they learn makes life so FULL.

Olivia. She is her own category. I love this little girl that I don’t even know. I love that I have a daughter waiting to meet me in heaven. Her short little life has made mine so rich. This little girl taught me so much. She made me press into the heart of God like I never had before and find him and figure out who he is in the midst of deep heartache and pain. And I’m a different person because of that.

My friends. I’ve been amazed at the friends who have stood by me. I’m blessed beyond measure, to have new and old friends, near and far, that the Lord has strategically placed around me through such a life altering year.

Our Church. Wow. I remember the first few times I went to church back in September. I sobbed through worship because I felt so betrayed. I thought I would never be able to worship again. I had tears streaming down my face through every message because I felt like Jesus was talking to me himself. I love the Holy Spirit and I love that our pastor and elders let the Spirit lead them. I’m so grateful for our “family” there. Bruce loves it. I love it.

Spring. I love this new season. The windows have been open, the fresh air feels so good. Bruce and I have both finally been doing a few more little things around the house to make it feel more like our “Home”. We moved into our house just weeks before we lost Olivia, and since then it feels like everything has been in the same place because of my plunging into the depths of despair. So praise Jesus for our home and for spring!!

Baby girl. I have a baby bump, and I love it. I love that I can’t see my feet when I look down. I think I smirk whenever I look at my tummy. I love knowing there is new life in there. I can’t wait to lay my eyes on her and love her and cuddle her and watch her with her brother and sister!

God. Above all these things, God has been so faithful to me. In my darkest hours he answered me. I love living life with Him and knowing Him.

So that’s me these days. I’m really happy, really grateful.

Hope for the future

There’s part of Olivia’s story that not many people know about, I’ll do my best to do it justice. More as time goes on, I associate much hope with Olivia’s story. I knew it wouldn’t end where it did in the hospital that day.

We left Hawaii (our 5^th anniversary celebration) without our third baby. I can’t even begin to describe what it felt like to leave such a huge part of my heart as we flew out that day. Things happened so fast that it really felt like a dream. I kept staring down at my stomach in disbelief that our baby wasn’t there anymore.

Over time, my heart has healed some, and every day I’m a day closer to being “whole” again. In the following weeks and months after our trip, the Lord started to highlight some very significant things in my past that I feel in no way could be “coincidence”.

Ever since I was young, I’ve known that if I would spend my life “campaigning” for something, it would be for unborn babies’ right to life. I love babies, since I was two years old if there was a baby in the room it was like a magnetic force, I couldn’t keep my hands off of them.

I lived in Hawaii for a few of my teen years while my parents served with YWAM. I loved every second of it. I loved the lifestyle, the people, the culture…everything. Nothing spoke of God’s power to me like the ocean. I could stand in awe at its edge for hours. I loved being surrounded by God’s magnificence.

A few years after we moved back to the mainland, I returned to Kona to do an Intro to Children’s Social Services school with YWAM. Each of us students were there because God had put a burning passion for an area of children at risk in our hearts. For me it was unborn babies and unwed mothers. I knew that I wanted to spend some time of my life serving in these areas. At the end of the semester our main grade project was to study and do a presentation for the class on our area of children at risk. I spent weeks studying and gathering statistics on abortion in Kona. It is astonishing how much we don’t see until we really look.

Fast forward to 2005, the Lord strategically removed me from (a) situation I was in and placed me in my favorite place in the world, Kona, Hawaii, to draw closer to the Lord and “get back on track” with Him. To make a very long story short, my forever dream of “getting married, barefoot in the sand” came to pass within a few short months. Bruce and I got married on June 17^th, 2005. (Who knew that we’d be burying our third child there just 5 years later??)

A couple weeks after we lost Olivia, I was having an especially hard day. It was complete turmoil and it was deeper than any sadness I have ever felt. I spent hours wailing on my face, many people were praying for me, and it was very obvious that something deeper was going on. At the end of the day, we got a phone call from a family friend who had spoken to a friend in Kona. She had found out that the doctor that was “on-call” the night I went into pre term labor was the #1 abortion doctor on the island, who was also an OB. He performs abortions in that hospital on a regular basis. What? How can you do both? How can you practice such extremities? I will never be able to describe the anguish I felt the moment I found out that the doctor that refused to help me was an abortion doctor. I felt so dirty that he even touched me or my baby.

We’ve since found out that there are no pro life doctors in Kona. We’ve also found out that we were not the only ones who have suffered this sort of tragedy under the care of this particular doctor.

After the Lord has brought these things to remembrance, I can’t help but to think that Lord will use Olivia’s life to fuel a fire that has always burned deep in my heart. I’m not sure how yet, but I feel like the Lord is already beginning something in Hawaii, while he’s stirred my heart to fight for unborn babies and bring awareness to this area of darkness on the islands.

I just wanted to get this on paper because there’s a sort of personal accountability in writing things down. I don’t want to just drop this and say, “oh well, my baby died in the hands of an abortion doctor in Kona, that’s really too bad”. There’s got to be more to this. So I pray that the Lord will continue to cement this in our hearts and connect us with locals in Hawaii so that we can help bring change to these amazing people. I look forward to fighting for them. I have no idea what, when or how, but I fully believe that as Bruce and I make ourselves available, the Lord will use us to make himself known in this area.