Beauty for Ashes – 9.13.10
Life is getting a little easier lately. I’m getting used to the idea that this deep longing to “Mother” Olivia is always going to exist. I often have these panic attacks, where I realize how awful I am feeling, and I want to “hurry up” and get out of this “place” that I’m in. I don’t EVER want to feel this way. Ever. Again. I’ve realized that I need to learn how to exist, be healthy, and flourish, emotionally, physically, and spiritually while these feelings are a part of me now. They will never go away.
Every Friday is hard, it’s the weekly reminder that I should be “so many” weeks (this week was 28) pregnant with Olivia. Ugh. And after every Friday, without fail, comes the weekend. The two days that the world looks forward to because it’s mostly full of family, friends and fun. Well the weekend that I remember the most right now is the weekend before Olivia was born. It was a weekend full of family and friends and everything happy and fun. It was VACATION!! So every weekend is marked with that memory, the last weekend Olivia was kicking in my tummy. Then there’s Monday. Every hour of the day holds a specific memory that leads up to the worst moment of my life. Some Mondays at 9:30, I wail like I did that night, because I FEEL it all over again. So that’s 4 days out of the 7 of the week that take a lot of effort, to just make it through the day.
So what do I do with this? How am I going to make it? Some days, I don’t think I’m going to, but I always do (huge smiley face).
Yesterday, the day on my Calendar that said “28 weeks!”, was, like I said, a really hard day. My Mom came to my rescue and reminded me of everything I needed to be reminded of. I also had a “Therapeutic Massage” scheduled for that day, thank the Lord!! And therapeutic it was, for my mind, body and Soul.
I was able to talk and pray with Mary, the masseuse, and I walked away with something that I believe will carry me through many of these desperate moments. She shared something with me that seemed so simple, but so eye opening at the same time.
Isaiah 61:3
“…and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”
Of course I’ve heard this before. I’ve read this many times in the past few weeks, and I even believe it. But I didn’t know exactly how this was going to play out for me. Is this some far off in the distance promise that I will see fulfilled when I look back on my life when I’m 80 years old? Cool. I hope it means at least that. But it would be really cool, if this could be something I am able to live out right here, right now in the midst of my pain and sorrow.
Mary and I talked about this scripture and I was asking what her thoughts were on it. If there’s any way to make this verse real in my life…how do I do that? She put it like this: How do you forgive? It’s with your heart. And when you truly forgive someone with your heart, there is freedom. So this verse, when I apply this to me, is a heart action. So with my heart, I’m trading my ashes for beauty and my mourning for gladness, and there is freedom. Wow. I already feel “lighter”. I physically feel that truth.
